HAUNTED CORN MAZE: By Robert C. Eccles
Saturday, October 31st, 2009Billy saw the ad in the paper and it was settled. That’s where he was taking Laura on their date Saturday night. – the corn maze. Billy was hoping to get to second base with Laura, and what better place to try and cop a feel than wandering around in the maze?
Farmer Martsen, known as “Farmer Fartsen” among the school kids for his propensity to pass gas with a trumpet-like flourish, owned the land the corn maze was on.
When Billy and Laura pulled up, Farmer Martsen was standing at the entrance to the maze collecting the entry fee. A long line of kids stood waiting to get in, and a sign posted nearby read “Haunted Corn Maze - $10 Real Monsters - $25”.
“What do you mean, ‘real monsters’?” Billy asked when he got to the front of the line.
“Just what it says,” Farmer Martsen said. “You pay $25, and you get real monsters.”
“Real monsters?”
“Ayup.”
“What do I get for ten bucks?”
“For ten bucks you get my kids dressed up in Halloween costumes.”
Billy pulled a twenty and a five out of his wallet and handed the money to the farmer.
“I’d better get my money’s worth,” Billy warned.
Farmer Martsen looked Billy up and down, then admired Laura’s large breasts. Laura crossed her arms over her chest.
“You’ll get your money’s worth, all right,” said the farmer, gesturing toward the entrance to the corn maze.
Billy put his arm around Laura’s waist, and the couple walked in. As if to announce their entrance, Farmer Martsen let fly a tooting fart. Billy and Laura plugged their noses and giggled as they turned the corner and headed deeper into the maze.
***
Billy and Laura milled around in the maze for about twenty minutes without a single monster sighting. Billy decided it was time to make his move on Laura. His hand slid up from her waist and cupped her breast, and Laura didn’t pull away. In fact, she gave Billy a wicked grin that set his loins to tingling.
A blood-curdling scream made both Billy and Laura jump. They turned around to find a vampire standing behind them.
“You scared the crap out of us, man!” Billy hollered. “It’s about time we saw a monster, but I gotta tell you your timing sucks.”
Laura squinted at the vampire, who opened his mouth, revealing long, white fangs.
“Jess MacIntyre, is that you?” She walked up to the vampire and touched the tip of one fang with her finger. She hissed and pulled her hand back. A droplet of blood appeared on her fingertip.
“Jeez, you ought to be careful with those!” she said. “You could really hurt someone!” She put her finger in her mouth.
“Lemme see,” Billy said. “You better not have hurt my girlfriend.”
But before he could take a step toward her the vampire was upon her, his mouth wide, fangs sunk deep into the soft flesh of her neck.
Billy stumbled back. “Whaaa…?”
The vampire shook his head and tore Laura’s throat out. Blood sprayed the corn stalks and the dirt as her lifeless body fell to the ground.
Billy turned to run, but found his way blocked by a werewolf. A growl issued from deep in the enormous, hairy creature’s throat.
“Oh, shit!” were Billy’s last words. The werewolf tore Billy’s body in two with its huge paws.
***
The hours before dawn found farmer Martsen, the vampire and the werewolf standing just outside the entrance to the corn maze. The farmer counted out bills.
“So that’s fifty bucks for each of you,” farmer Martsen said, holding the money out to the monsters.
“I don’t think so,” said the vampire, baring his fangs. “We each get twenty percent, and I counted at least thirty-nine kids tonight.”
The werewolf growled its agreement.
“That should be closer to $200 each.”
“Now, wait a minute, boys,” the farmer pleaded. “With the economy in the shitter I need a little more for me and my family.” Farmer Martsen took a couple of steps toward the maze entrance.
The vampire and the werewolf followed him, growling. “You understand, don’t you?”
The farmer didn’t need an answer to know that no, the monsters did not understand.
Farmer Martsen made a break for the maze, his cash forgotten and fluttering to the ground, and the monsters followed. The farmer let out a long, trumpeting fart as he ran.
The vampire frowned and fanned the air in front of his face, and the werewolf wrinkled its nose, but they didn’t slow down.
©2009 Robert C. Eccles
