I wanted to thank you for all you’ve done. That’s the main reason I’ve stopped by. Sorry I had to restrain you, but I wanted to make sure you heard me out.
I was truly a mess. Every little thing would get to me. My wife gave me a dirty look and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’d end up yelling at her, blaming her for every thing that was wrong with my life.
The kids would make noise, and I’d immediately lose my train of thought. I’d try to get it back, but would only be able to think of how inconsiderate they were, how I provided the house they live in and the food they ate, but they didn’t care enough about me to keep it down so that I could do my work.
The neighbor’s dog would bark. Around my house, everyone else could ignore it, but not me. No matter what was going on, whether I was watching television, working, playing a game with my family, having sex with my wife, the only thing I could focus on was that sound.
Then there was you. You taught me to meditate, how to relax my body by imagining it growing heavier and heavier. I soon felt as if I could make it melt into the floor and then lose sense of it completely. You then taught me to do the same with my thoughts. I didn’t think that would work, but I was wrong. By imagining them as heavy, I was able to grab control of them. If I didn’t want a thought there, I could let it fall out of me like a brick falling off a shelf. If my wife looked at me as if I were the bane of the earth, I could forget it. If the kids were noisy and the dog barked, I took my thoughts about the situation added the gravity of a star and let them fall away.
I got to where I could enjoy my work again. I could watch TV, play with my kids, have sex with my wife, eat a freaking chip, and totally be into the moment.
I’m never tense and I don’t think about killing myself anymore. It’s like magic to me, like I’ve become a completely different person. I mean that too. It’s like I made the old me heavy and it fell out. Now I’m the new me and nothing, and I do mean nothing, can get to me.
I guess that’s why I’ve been able to do the things I’ve done in the past few hours.
You see, new thoughts crept up in my mind. And so did these wonderful images. I knew they were wrong. At least, by society’s standards, they were wrong. I would have flushed them out, but the thing is, I liked them there. I held onto them, and the longer they were in my head, the more pleasurable they became.
I didn’t have to live them out. I want to emphasize that. What I did I did out of choice. I’m in control now. I’ve taken back my brain, and now I make the decisions. I chose to live out my thoughts and visions, my fantasies.
And all their heads are lined up neatly on the kitchen counter. I started with those in my house, then I got the neighbor’s dog. Then, for good measure, I got the neighbor. I stood there and stared at those heads for the longest time. Guilt came and I drained it. Worry of consequence came and I drained that too. I held on to all the pleasure, though.
Now, Doctor, I’m sorry I had to tie you up. I’m also sorry I had to kill your receptionist. You might think that I wouldn’t kill you, that I’d be too grateful, that killing you would cause me more guilt then I could handle. But that’s precisely why I have to do it. You gave me this new life, a rebirth of sorts, and now you’re like a mother to me. The guilt of killing you will be the greatest of all.
I can wait to let it drop.
© 2009 Joshua Scribner
Joshua Scribner is the author of the novels Mantis Nights, The Coma Lights and Nescata. His fiction won both second and fifth place in the 2008 Whispering Spirits Flash Fiction contest. Up to date information on his work can be found at joshuascribner.com. Joshua currently lives in Michigan with his wife and two daughters.
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November 27th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Loved it. He self-helped himself into madness. Great progression and flow, with believeable payoff. Well done Joshua.