“So tell me exactly what’s been happening,” the appliance repairman said.
Dora eyed her new upright washing machine, the HE 51 Smartwash. “I’m sorry I ever bought this washer! I put soap in the dispenser and it spits it right back out. The door unlocks before a cycle is completed. Yesterday I came home from work and discovered it had dumped a whole load of wet clothes and water onto the floor. The machine also makes weird sounds. If my mother were still alive she’d say this thing is cursed!”
“What kind of sounds?”
“Burps, groans, shrieks, bumping and grinding noises, even something that sounds like laughter. It’s unnerving to wake up in the middle of the night and hear your washer chuckling. I’ve given up punching in codes for different loads of laundry. The machine reprograms itself and chooses whatever cycle it wants, usually the wrong one. Obviously something’s screwy with the electronics.”
“Anything else?”
“Yeah. You might want to check the dryer while you’re here. It’s been spitting out socks and underwear like there’s no tomorrow. Last week I got a call from the people across the street. A pair of my husband’s monogrammed jockey shorts were wrapped around the weathervane on their roof. Beats me how they got up there.”
“You’ve had the dryer for quite a while, right?”
“Ten years.”
“Has anything or anyone gone missing lately?”
“A pot-roast disappeared last night. I left it on the counter to thaw, but we assume our dog ate it. That’s another strange thing. The dog won’t even come in the laundry room since we got this new washer, and our cat moved into the church basement at the end of the block.”
“I see. Can you think of anything else?”
“Well, our gossipy neighbor, Mrs. Kramer, disappeared. A couple of annoying salesmen who’d been hassling us no longer come around. Someone’s been raiding the fridge at night, although my husband and kids swear they’re innocent. Why do you ask?”
“Technology has turned some appliances into very simple life forms, but now something has gone wrong. Ma’am, you’ve got a zombie washing machine. They’ve been showing up ever since the laundry industry came out with this new generation of computerized machines. I’ve even run across a few models that are able to disconnect themselves and move around. That’s why you’re having problems with your older dryer.”
“Is this a joke? My husband put you up to it, right?”
“Wish I could say it was a joke. Your dryer is terrified of the new washer, and from the dryer’s point of view you’re punishing it for eating all those socks and underwear over the years. So it’s trying to get on your good side again by coughing up all that laundry, hoping you’ll get rid of the zombie washer. You’d better let me take this machine back to the shop and remove the motherboard and all the computer chips. So far we’ve been successful in changing all of these appliances back into manual models. I’ll need you to
move your car so I can pull right up to the door.”
Dora returned a moment later with her keys. A single shoe and the repairman’s tool box were in front of the washer. She looked out the front door, but the man was nowhere in sight.
The HE 51 Smartwash burped.
©2009 Harriett Fjaagesund
December 12th, 2009 at 8:22 am
This is great! Had me laughing.