My Fairy Godmother was neither a fairy nor a god. In fact, she was a rather cranky old hag. Just don’t tell her I said so. She’d been assigned to me at birth by an actual god. He was rather an irritable god so naturally he chose a bad-tempered Fairy Godmother for me.
Dumb luck. Even dumber luck: my parents died in a witches bar brawl. I had not even lost my last tooth. So my childhood and most of my formative years happened with Faye the evil Fairy Godmother guiding my every move. Good thing I have such a strong sense of self. Else I’d be a cranky old hag too.
My name is Florence. Lots of people think it means flower. It doesn’t. It means fire. I am fairly sure the hag had her hand in naming me too. Oh well. Now you know a bit about me. Why this matters: I’m in hiding. I’m being hounded for a crime that I did not commit. Well two crimes, actually. I’ll give you one guess who actually is guilty of said offense.
Yep. Faye did it. I watched her so I know of whence I speak. Or some such garbage. Happened like this:
A clown made the fatal mistake of knocking on our door instead of the Henderson’s two houses down. Apparently, he’d been hired for a children’s party. Well those Henderson’s clearly do not know children. When I was a kid I hated clowns. They scared the snot right out of me. Still do. Creepy make-up and bad wigs. None of our coven was that kind of scary. Not ever. But I digress.
This doofus clown enters unknowing. Faye invited him in. I think she had plans the moment she laid eyes on him. At least I think it was a him. By the time she was finished, it was rather difficult to tell…
I watched from my closet peephole. She sat the clown in the kitchen and made him a drink. Vodka tonic I think. Something clear and fizzy. Masks the bitter taste of her knock-out herbs. She thinks roofies are for amateurs and always sticks to the old ways. It worked. He was out in minutes. If she had not dismembered him and stuffed him in a great soup pot, he might have died from the blow his noggin took when he conked out. I heard it go splat when he hit our stone floor.
Then guess what Faye did? She ate him, every morsel. Sucked the marrow out of his bones and chucked them into the fireplace. Did you know bones don’t burn completely? You’d think a Fairy Godmother would know that. Well she didn’t. Some CSI type fellows (and one lady) came around. Of course a missing clown and a ruined children’s party would bring suspicion into the neighborhood. Faye sometimes acted before she thought. They found the clown’s bones in the fire place and now they are after me. I don’t even eat meat. But my troubles did not stop there.
When Faye discovered that I knew her secret, she threatened me with all sorts of nastiness. She could not eat me because the gods keep records of those sorts of things. Her own punishment would have been really unpleasant. So she spent some time devising a horrible consequence should I ever tell. She decided that I would become a fairy godmother and be assigned to the nastiest baby possible. Horrors! I’d rather die. And I still might…
So when the CSI folks came around next, there were new bones in the fireplace. They looked very like a human’s but on closer inspection, they were fairy skeleton…slightly less dense but much harder to burn. And no one will ever believe how those got there. I will tell you it involved a pack of angry clowns. There’s a reason why they are so very scary…
I daren’t leave my hidey-hole. Word on the street is the humans AND the gods are looking for me. And possibly, the clowns.
©2009 Renee Otis
A burnt house with no roads leading to it, a train ride and a satellite photo inspired Shades, my first novel. Two books followed: GhostWriter and Dead Batteries. Renee lives and writes in haunted New England with her family and one slightly neurotic dog.
December 15th, 2009 at 7:13 am
A superb cautionary tale for all aspiring clowns and fairy godmothers.
March 13th, 2010 at 6:55 am
I enjoyed reading your interesting yet very informative insights on fairies. I just love reading anything about fairies and magic. Thank you for sharing and I am looking forward to reading your newest and most recent blogs related to fairies!!! - Fairy