THE PACKAGE: By Henry Gribbin
Friday, October 14th, 2011I run a courier service. I have a special clientele consisting of vampires, werewolves and aliens. You see, I make my deliveries using a big old Harley and the packages must be small. My motto is, “Small Packages Delivered, No Questions Asked.” When I did this work for humans I ran into problems.
Small packages delivered with no questions asked usually meant one thing, and I did not want anything to do with that business. With vampires, werewolves and aliens I never could tell what I was delivering, but at least my conscience was clear.
My old pop came to live with me a few months back. He is ninety and still going strong. I rigged up an old sidecar for the Harley and together we made our deliveries.
Now the thing about vampires, werewolves and aliens was that they each had their own quirks. Vampires as a rule were very wealthy and their residences were very elaborate and secluded. They were not very good tippers, though. I of course charged a fee for my services, but I always expected a tip. Vampires as a rule tipped 10%.
Werewolves loved living in suburbia, and as a rule they were generous tippers, but they always gave you a riddle you had to solve in order to get the tip. One time I got so frustrated with a werewolf I grabbed his ankles and dangled him outside the second story window. He kept changing from human to werewolf back to human, and I had to let go. He survived the fall, and I did get my tip.
Aliens, on the other hand, loved the city. They always lived in condos. But they were strange tippers. I guess it was because they were not from these parts. They could not figure out the proper amount, and I never knew what to expect. One time I received a shiny dime, one time I received an original painting from one of the French Impressionists who shall remain nameless. I have the painting hanging over my mantle at home.
By the way , aliens look like us but they all have a glass eye, always on their left side, and at least ten times a minute they tug at their left earlobe. Why they do his I do not know. But anyway, on with the story.
Pop and I were making a delivery. It was a small package going from an alien to a werewolf. We were almost at our destination with the package laying in the sidecar under pop’s feet. Now my pop from time to time likes to let out with a loud howl when he is riding with me. It always comes at an unexpected time, and this time was no different. He let out with a howl just as I was coming out of a sharp bend and it took me by surprise. I ran the Harley right off the road. We ran over a ditch and the package flew out of the sidecar. Pop made a swipe at it but he just smacked it and it hit a tree. I was able to brake the Harley.
There was no damage and we were able to push it back on the road. We went to retrieve the package. It was under a tree undamaged. As I went to reach for it the package moved, and the paper around the package tore. Out popped what looked like a combination spider crab thing which instantly took off from us.
Pop picked up a rock and nailed the sucker. We got some tape from the sidecar and managed to tape the critter and package back together. Then we were back on the road. We made the delivery to the werewolf, but he did not seem to happy with the condition of the package. We did not stay around for the tip.
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©2011 Henry Gribbin
