Butterscotch. That’s the smell of your soul. If you are ill or close to dying, you will smell this particular odour quite a lot. Right before you “pass over” so to speak, you will be over-whelmed by the fragrance, it’ll be comparable to being in a bakery. Then you’ll shut your eyes and be greeted by a long white tunnel. Ignore the tunnel, that’s just chemicals from your brain as it shuts down. Wait for the white light to dissipate then your real journey will begin. It’ll start by having the over-whelming urge to sneeze. Like no urge you’ve ever felt before. You’ll be terrified, but don’t worry, you’re in safe hands. Let yourself go with the urge then sneeze as hard as you can. You’ll then find yourself surrounded by swirling colours, being supported by something, but you don’t know what it is. This is perfectly natural. Just do as your instincts tell you to; begin to take off your flesh. There won’t be blood, it’s okay. First the hands, they’ll come off like gloves. The top of the head and hair will be just like taking off a big hat. The torso and back is pretty much taking off a tan jacket. The legs slip off as slacks would, and the feet are like skin coloured socks. Great! You can do what you will with your face, although it will help to take it off, there’s not much point in keeping it. Now you’re ready for phase 2. What? Did I not mention it would hurt? Of course it hurts! Just because I said there wouldn’t be blood doesn’t mean there isn’t pain, this is you getting rid of your mortal body, it’s not gonna go easy.
Once you’re done, the colours will slowly diffuse and you’ll be transported to a waiting room. Take a seat anywhere that’s free and wait for your name to be called out. Once your name is called out, proceed through the door. Now here’s the tricky part. If you are, or were, part of any religion at any point in your life, you must go to the front desk and ask for a SP311-H56 form. Once you’ve filled this out, you must wait for it to be processed by the clerk. Then once that’s done, feel free to take a seat anywhere in the lobby. When your name is called, and the paper-work approved, you can go through the main door to the right of the desk and once through there you will be greeted by a man in a dark pinstripe suit holding a large clipboard. He’ll ask your name, date of birth, date of death and he’ll ask for your ticket number. He’ll then check over his large clipboard and give you a set of 2 numbers, for example 67 or 32. These correspond to your afterlife. There will be a door with that number on it. If you’re ‘Christian’, and don’t specify what sect, you’ll be put into the Limbo Hall until you can make your mind up. But a word to the wise, don’t slip up and enter the wrong door, it upsets a lot of people. Once, we had a horde of Catholic Crusader knights, fresh from the ‘Holy Land’ wander into the Muslim door because the captain didn’t lift up his visor on his helmet. Talk about wailing and gnashing of teeth! Anyway, I digress. Although, if you are religious, for goodness sake don’t wander into the atheists door. (It’s number is 00 or 99). It’s just a heavenly cloudy vista painted onto a far wall with an eternal void beneath it. Why are there two doors? Well one’s the void, the other sends you right back to Earth, as the atheists are so sure what happens upon death!
Oh the looks on their faces when they open that door! Priceless!
Once you’re in your respective afterlife, feel free to mingle with other souls and try and find famous faces! I’m sure they’ll be as happy to see you as you are them!
If your family and/or friends are located in another afterlife, please write to your respective God and request Transfer Form 132-AD6. Fill it out and within 6-8 aeons, you’ll be sitting pretty with all your chums!
Please return the pamphlet to the rack and have a nice day!
© 2012 Tom Holmes
Tom Holmes is a budding writer who is going on to study Creative Writing at the University of Nottingham. Find him on his blog, www.wordsinaphrase.blogspot.co.uk