CANDY IS SO DANDY: By Michael A. Kechula
Wednesday, February 8th, 2012“Don’t try to stop me!” Shelly yelled, as she raced toward the mall exit with a flamethrower.
“You don’t have to do this,” called a security guard. “Let the Army handle the problem. They should get here within an hour. ”
“The monsters may invade before the Army arrives. I can’t let that happen. I took an oath to defend mall shoppers, regardless of race, color, creed, or country of origin.”
“Take a motorcycle helmet to protect yourself. Zombies can’t bite through them to get at your brains.”
“I’m allergic to helmets,” she said.
Opening the exit door, Shelly spotted a dozen zombies heading toward her.
“Take that, you mangy bastards,” she hollered, as she fired the flamethrower.
The zombies screamed as they burst into flames, fell to the ground, and disintegrated.
“Hey lady,” somebody called out. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Killing zombies.”
“But they’re your friends. They’re here to help you.”
“What? Everybody knows they like to attack people in shopping malls and eat their brains,” she said.
“Not this bunch,” said a man in a white coat. “The ones you just roasted are different.”
“Whadda ya mean?”
“They can distinguish between ordinary people and werewolves. In fact, I brought them and a dozen more to save mall shoppers from a werewolf attack.”
“That’s nuts. Zombies are nothing but a bunch of mindless, head-biting brain eaters.”
“If you don’t believe me, let some into the mall. They’ll sniff out the werewolves immediately. I promise they won’t harm anybody who isn’t a werewolf. You better hurry. The sun’s setting. When the full moon rises, everybody in the mall will be in jeopardy. Our intelligence indicates that fifteen werewolves are in the mall right now, just waiting for the moon to rise.”
“Your intelligence? Who are you?”
“I’m Dr. Dumont, of the Haitian Zombie Institute. I personally trained these zombies to hunt werewolves. Look, I can prove they’re not brain eaters. I have candy bars in my pocket. I’ll lay on the ground and put them around my head. When I press a key on my cell phone, twelve zombies will surround me. If they aren’t what I said they are, they’ll bite my head open and devour my brains. So, I’m asking you to hold your fire during the demonstration.”
“Okay,” said Shelly.
A man in a white lab coat lay on the ground, put a dozen candy bars around his head, and pressed a key on his phone. Immediately, twelve zombies exited an SUV. When they reached Dumont, they got down on all fours and gobbled the candy bars, including wrappers. None bit Dumont’s head.
Amazed, Shelly said, “Okay, I believe you.”
“Good. Now, let these zombies inside the mall. They’ll quickly identify all the werewolves prowling inside. When they spot one, use your flamethrower to destroy it.”
“You mean you want me to go with them?”
“Yes. Walk in the middle of them for protection. Better hurry, the sun is setting.”
“How will I know when they spot a werewolf?”
“Since zombies can’t talk, the tallest one will spit on it. Here’s a flashlight with a special lens. When you shine it on the targeted person, the gob of spit will turn bright purple.”
“Are you sure your zombies are completely pacified, and won’t go nuts and attack me?”
“Guaranteed. But to calm your fears, I’ll give you some candy bars. If one gets a little rambunctious, which shouldn’t happen, just shove candy into its mouth, and all will be okay. Do this and you’ll be a hero. Wouldn’t that be nice? Think of all the great publicity. I can just see the headlines right now: INCREDIBLY BRAVE WOMAN SAVES MALL SHOPPERS FROM WEREWOLVES. I’ll bet you’ll get offers from Hollywood within a week.”
“Sounds great. I’ll do it.”
“Smart move,” Dumont said. When he pressed a key on his cell phone, the zombies gathered around him.
Shelly wished she could hear what Dumont was telling them.
“Okay,” Dumont said. “They understand their instructions and are good to go.”
The zombies formed a protective circle around Shelly.
When Shelly and the zombies entered the mall, the tallest one spit on somebody. Shelly shined the light on the target. When she saw purple goop on the guy’s face, she roasted him with her flamethrower.
Before long, they worked their way toward a huge department store. By the time they reached the store’s entrance, Shelly realized she’d torched at least thirty people who would’ve turned into werewolves. Then it struck her: Dumont claimed fifteen were inside the mall. Bewildered, she wanted to consult him, but had no way to contact him. On the other hand, she couldn’t keep killing everybody the zombies spat upon.
Suddenly, a zombie spat on her. Another wrestled away the flame thrower and torched her.
Within minutes they torched everyone else in the mall.
Dumont went inside and surveyed the carnage. “Nice work,” he said to his zombies, as he threw them candy bars.
After Dumont emptied all the mall’s cash registers and jewelry stores, he checked his map to see which mall he’d rob next. Then he realized his supply of candy had run dangerously low. That meant he’d have to forestall the next mall robbery until he raided a Walmart warehouse and stole their supply of his zombies’ favorite snack.
On the way to the warehouse, he wondered if any of the warehouse guards had flamethrowers. If so, he wondered if the same goofy story about fifteen werewolves would work like it did with the female guard at the mall. Then he remembered what a famous man had said, “A sucker is born every minute.”
He found those words reassuring, as he approached a Walmart warehouse.
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©2012 Michael A. Kechula
