FAMILY SWAP: By Henry Peter Gribbin
Thursday, February 16th, 2012Every family has at least one or two members that if given the chance would be booted out. But there is no escaping family, unless you want to move away in the middle of the night and not leave a forwarding address. However, my old Pop came up with an idea to get rid of a useless family member. He traded him. But let me go back a little and explain.
About a month ago my Pop was having lunch with the patriarchs of two other nearby families. One family was composed of vampires headed by a fellow by the name of Vincent. The other family were werewolves who were led by a nice old fellow by the name of Carl. At least once a month these three men had lunch together, just to keep tabs on what the other families were doing. That way none of the families (humans, vampires and werewolves) would step on each other toes and accidentally start a feud that could turn deadly.
Anyway, when business was concluded the three sat back and relaxed. My Pop started complaining about his grandson. Pop thought he was lazy and shiftless and wanted him out of the family. Vincent said he had an uncle, the biggest grouch in the world, according to Vincent, who he would like booted out of his family. Carl said he had a nephew, a dumb, lazy thing that he could do without. Pop thought for a moment. Nobody could be worse than his grandson, or so he thought. He came up with an idea. What if he traded his grandson to Vincent’s family, Vincent trade his uncle to the werewolves, and Carl traded his nephew to our family. They all thought on it and a deal was brokered. Our family wound up with Carl’s nephew. His name was Harold.
Anyway, Harold became one of our family. He was a likable enough fellow, but dumb as a doorknob. When he ate with us he sniffed his food, and since he was part canine, once in awhile he would let out with a yelp. He also liked to chase cats. But he was more likable than my nephew, who was snotty, moody and had body odor.
Pop did not seem to care for Harold, but we had a job in the works and Harold played a part in it. Anyway, we put the plan into action, and Harold’s part in the heist was to act as lookout and driver. Pop, a couple of my brothers and I were on the second floor of a warehouse conducting our business when I looked out the window and saw a cat running like crazy up the alleyway with Harold right on its heels. I told Pop and he got mad as hell. We had to call of the job halfway through and leave. We made it to the van with no problem and then went looking for Harold. We found him barking like a dog with the cat he had been chasing trapped in a tree. Pop grabbed Harold and pushed him in the back of the van.
Pop called a special meeting of the patriarchs the next day. He wanted his grandson back. As it turned out the family swap was not a big success. Carl’s family wanted to eat Vincent’s uncle, and Vincent was not very happy with our family member. The swap was made and Pop got our moody, sassy family member back. At least he did not bark like a dog and sniff his food.
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©2012 Henry Peter Gribbin
